In the long-term parking lot, I meet a middle-aged woman wearing sunglasses, sneakers and yoga pants. Her hair is casually swept into a ponytail. Sheโs flying to Phoenix for business. Iโm off to Seattle for fun. She canโt remember the last time sheโs gone on vacation. I go somewhere every year.
Something about our conversation makes her ask, โDo you have any little ones at home?โ
โNo, thatโs why I can travel like this,โ I say. โJust pick up and go anywhere.โ
โDo it now,โ she says, โbecause when you have kidsโฆโ
Her voice trails off. I smile politely. She said, โWhen.โ
I didnโt tell her that there wouldnโt be a โwhenโ for me. Iโm childfree by choice. I didnโt tell her that Iโm divorced, after four years, and dating again.
Before my divorce was final, my well-meaning mother started saying things like, โOh, Iโd really like to see you find a nice guy.โ To which I replied, โIโve got nothing but time. I don’t have any biological clocks ticking!โ But then she said, โIf having kids has taught me anything, itโs never say never.โ
I’m probably not the daughter she expected.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=kbStLWJTb7k
In the small farm town where I grew up, it was acceptable, if not encouraged, to get married at 22 to the son of a farmer with a Dutch surname. (That was better than โliving in sin.โ) And it was acceptable to buy that house in the suburbs. Doing these things bestowed comfort and approval in the form of verbal praise, plus gifts.
But panic set in with each measuring cup and Tupperware container I received. What sent me over the edge was the shiny red, 22-pound KitchenAid Artisan Stand Mixer. It dictated I would be spending my weekends baking brownies like my mom did, not biking through rice paddies in Bali, shopping the souks in Marrakesh or eating tapas in Seville.
Being showered with kitchenwares brought back childhood memories of being told to dry the dishes while my older brother played computer games, less than 10 feet away. Iโd protest, โWhy canโt he help you? Itโs just โcause heโs a boy!โ
I not only rejected the gendered household division of labor, I didnโt have much interest in playing with dolls or Barbies. Instead, I took cat photos with my little yellow Kodak camera. I cut and pasted pictures out of magazines and wrote my own stories. I went on outdoor adventures with my three imaginary friends.
These quirks were cute when I was a little girl. Then I grew up.
In my late teens, when I first declared I was never having kids, a family member told me, โYou must have babies so the Muslims donโt take over!โ Now in my late-20s, the most popular response has been: โYouโll change your mind.โ
This sweeping declaration doesnโt take into account my underactive thyroid that occasionally hits me with debilitating fatigue or my susceptibility to anxiety and depression when diet, sleep and exercise are compromised. (But hey, kids wonโt affect that.) It doesnโt account for the sense of purpose derived from my precarious journalism career or the desire to travel in order to better understand the world and my place in it.
When I was younger and far more insecure, my college boyfriend convinced me that few men would want to be with an ambitious, free-spirited woman like me. In rural Iowa, I was too different. He promised the kind of life I wanted. Every three to five years, weโd move for my job. That was the agreement. That and no kids. I thought, โThis must be as good as it gets.โ
I married him.
But after a couple years, my stepping stone became his anchor. He had settled into a comfortable, well-paying technical career. And I was checking JournalismJobs.com every day. My incessant searching finally made him crack. โI donโt want to live like a nomad,โ he said. That and his affinity for alcohol made me leave. I took the 22-pound mixer with me.
Then, a strange thing happened. For the first time, I had people telling me, โGood thing you donโt have kids!โ
I could look at my starter marriage as a failure or a mistake. But I donโt.
By getting divorced and essentially doing the thing I was not supposed to do, I freed myself from crushing expectations. I learned that the only real mistake would be believing Iโm unworthy of love. Or joy. Even it looks a little different.
Now, I get to try again.
I downloaded Bumble, Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel. I hadnโt been on a first date in more than seven years. Back then, these kinds of dating apps didnโt exist. Now I stood in line at the grocery store and swiped through med students, airmen, farmers, truck drivers, pro-athletes and engineers. Never in my life have I seen more photos of men holding up dead pheasants, fish and deer. And then there were the ones with kids โ usually their nieces and nephews. Even that says, โIโm looking for the mother of my children.โ And thatโs not me.
I finally found a match on Tinder, but after 15 messages back and forth about weather and work, he brought up handcuffs and spanking. No thanks.
I had better luck on Coffee Meets Bagel and matched with Marcos the 31-year-old music-loving chef. Latino. Five-foot-10. Religion: Other.
When I asked Marcos what made him want to be a chef, he said, โUsually, men arenโt in the kitchen if youโre raised in a Mexican family, but since it was me and my two brothers, my mom taught us how to cook.โ
His enlightened response won me over. Our first date lasted six-hours, filled with coffee, crepes and great conversation. It ended with a goodnight kiss in the misting rain. We kept seeing each other, and after a couple months, I decided to tell my mom about the nice guy Iโd found, which begged the question, โWhatโs his name?โ
โMarcos.โ
โDoes he have a last name?โ
โVela.โ
โIs heeeeeโฆโ
โMexican.โ
โOh,โ she said, โI thought maybe he was Italian.โ
But she pronounces it, โEye-talian.โ
When Marcos had his big, black beard, he could have passed as Pakistani or Indian. (In fact, people have come up to him speaking Hindi.) But heโs most definitely from Mexicoโone of the Dreamers, tossed over a border fence by his teenage mother when he was 2 years old.
They left Acapulco. The coastal city in southern Mexico is part of a region densely populated with descendants of African slaves. Or people who, today, identify as Blaxicansโblack Mexicans. A heritage he is proud of yet removed from.
A few weeks ago, we were walking through a flea market. In between the nostalgia-inducing model airplanes and My Little Ponies, he pointed to an illustrated reprinting of โThe Man Without a Countryโ and said, โThatโs me.โ
Instantly, I knew that feeling of being out of place when you want to belong. But canโt.
When I told my mother more about the talkative, well-groomed, fashion-savvy man Iโd foundโthe one who can pick out my clothes and cook for meโshe said, โJust make sure he’s not too different.โ Which I took to mean, โMake sure he’s not gay.โ
From our first date, I knew Marcos was different.
Over brunch, he answered a call from his mom. He was boyishly embarrassed at first but still told her, โI love you,โ before he hung up. He apologized for the interruption and went on to tell me about his job at an upscale, modern American restaurantโhow he works from 10 a.m. to 10 p.m. five days a week and teaches free music lessons in the Latino community on one of his days off. He shared his dream of opening his own restaurant, one in Australia, then Germany. He admired my confidence and wit, my independence and ambition.
Going against the advice on the Internet, I told Marcos that Iโm divorced and I donโt want kids.
He stared at me with his deep brown eyes, reminiscent of two perfect little cups of coffee that I could drink in all day. His face softened into a smile and he said, โMe, too.โ
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Odeย is a storytelling series where community members tell true stories on stage to promote positive impact through empathy. Itโs produced by Siouxland Public Media.
The next event is 7 p.m. Friday, August 4 atย Be Yoga Studioย in downtown Sioux City. The theme is โLittle Did I Know.โ Tickets are available atย kwit.org. For more information, visitย facebook.com/odestorytelling.